This isn’t giving up, no; this is letting go.

Been meaning to write this post for a while now; but life, the universe, and everything got in the way. About a month ago, I decided to defer my Marine Corps Marathon entry to next year. It was a decision I wasn’t thrilled by, but what made me mildly annoyed was that I had friends in the running community who almost tried to peer pressure me into continuing on with my training.

“Don’t defer, you’re gonna do great!”

“Don’t be a quitter!”

“You’ve done marathons before, it’s all mental!”

I love the running community because we are such a positive motivating factor, but sometimes; we forget that everyone’s body has different limits, and that we know what’s best for our own bodies. And trust me when I say I know that now- probably better than most people after my stroke.

I had several reasons for deferring.

1. I didn’t do as well as I should have based on my training at Delaware in April.

2. I got a new job, and it involved switching to elementary education from high school after 10 years. It was a right switch, but even good stress is still stress.

3. Because of the job, I had to find a closer place to live. And it’s the first time I’ve moved without a partner. Again- positive stress is still stress.

4. I ended a relationship in the beginning of 2022. Which was the right choice, but it meant moving, change of location (and some nutritional habits), and entering back into the dating scene. The last bit sounds unrelated, but online dating put a dent in my self- confidence that I think included how I was feeling about training.

5. Lack of motivation. After my stroke, (and because of Covid, actually)

I was so eager to kick ass and take names that I put all my energy into training and macro tracking and I was hitting amazing milestones- running again, training up to a half and beating my half time, virtual marathon training, virtual marathon training sans intervals, and finally- my first in-person 26.2. I think I hit a mental wall after that because suddenly, I no longer needed to prove anything.

6. I felt myself getting slower, and cramping earlier. Which means that because of reasons 1-5, I needed to got back to the drawing board re: nutrition/hydration, strength training, conditioning, and stretching.

I deferred officially the weekend after my 16-mile training run, even though it felt okay. But it didn’t feel “I could run ten more miles” okay. I decided to sign up for the LBI 18-miler to give myself something to keep training for. And last Sunday, I ran it. I had a soft goal of 3 hours (10 minute miles), knowing I have done that distance at around a 9 minute mile. My calves stared cramping around mile 14-15, and then my right calf seized up totally at 17.75. Luckily, someone was there to massage my calf, give me salt and encouragement. I had to walk across a finish line for the first time in my life. And I knew that I’d made the right choice.

So, onward and upwards to figure my shit out.

– The Stroke Runner